Buffy,
I don't know where to start so I'm just going to go straight into this. Can you believe this is the sixth time I've tried this? This time I'm not stopping for anything, so it's probably going to look a complete mess. After everything else, I'm sure you'll let me get away with a few spelling mistakes and the odd crossing-out. I hope.
God, I don't know what to say now. Well, I know what I want to say but how do I say it? I guess the first place to start is - you're right. Everything you said tonight was right. I'm a bitch and, to be honest (yes, I know what honesty is), I've always known it. That doesn't excuse what I did, far from, but maybe it explains why things went this way. I've always known I'm not worth much so when I started down this road there didn't seem any point in not living up (or down, if that's better) to expectations.
Do you want to know something? When I first arrived in Sunnydale, and everyone was so nice and all, that was the first time I'd been treated that way. Like I was worth something. I knew it wouldn't last and I was right, wasn't I?
Sometimes I feel as though I've got all the dirt in the world inside me and if I could just get a brush or something inside I could scrub it away and I'll feel clean. It doesn't matter how many showers I take or how many lives I've saved, that's never going to go away. There's something inside me that's wrong, and corrupted, and I can't get away from it or wash it away. It makes me want to hit something, or kill something, or just give into the rage I can feel burning inside me. As though if I do the corruption will go away and I'll be free again. But every time I give in it just makes the feeling worse. I think I've worked out what it is - it's the gunk left over from every person I've enjoyed killing or hurting. So if I don't give into it, it won't get worse. Right?
I guess what I'm trying to say is that I know I've done bad, evil stuff and nothing I can do is ever going to change that. I can't make it better and I can't undo what I've done. But I am sorry for it. Some of those people deserved what I did, but I still shouldn't have done it. Most of all I'm sorry that I hurt you so much. I may not be able to change what I did but I can try to make amends for it, can't I?
You probably tore this up as soon as you saw who it's from. So I'm just talking to myself now, or writing anyway. But in case you didn't, I'm trying to say sorry and that's the hardest thing I've ever had to do. We'll never be friends again but do you think, maybe, you could not hate me? I don't expect forgiveness but it would feel good to know there's someone out there who doesn't hate me.
There, that's it. I'm done now. Maybe we'll talk again someday.
Faith.
** Buffy lowered the letter, deep in thought. She searched deep inside for the kernel of hate and loathing she had always kept for Faith, but for some reason it was not there. Maybe . . . **
*finis*