There was a distinct moment when Elizabeth knew that Teyla was awake. The other woman gave no obvious sign, but a faint line between her brows smoothed away and the corner of her mouth twitched. Elizabeth had been watching Teyla sleep for nearly an hour, plenty of time to learn every inch of her face, yet Elizabeth could have carried on looking at her for hours more.
It was painful to realise that this quiet time when she could imagine all sorts of things was almost over.
Teyla lay still for a few more minutes before opening one eye. "Is it morning already?"
"Early afternoon, actually," Elizabeth said.
Teyla closed her eye and wrinkled her nose slightly before opening both eyes. "I had no idea that I had slept so long."
"You must have needed it."
"How long have you been awake?"
Elizabeth shrugged and settled her head more comfortably on the hand that propped her up. "A while."
"You were watching me."
It wasn't really a question or an accusation, but Elizabeth felt her face heat. "Possibly."
A smile tugged at the corners of Teyla's mouth. "I would have done the same had I woken first."
Pushing away her feelings would be much easier if Teyla stopped saying things like that, Elizabeth reflected, closing her eyes for a moment. Seeing her feelings mirrored in Teyla's eyes was difficult, but hearing confirmation of those feelings was harder.
"I have said the wrong thing," Teyla said softly. "Elizabeth, if I . . ."
"No, you said exactly the right thing," Elizabeth said, interrupting before Teyla could try to apologize. "That's why it's so hard."
Teyla frowned. "I do not understand."
"I'm not sure that I do, either," Elizabeth said.
She hesitated a moment before taking Teyla's hand, lacing their fingers together and holding on tightly. Teyla returned the pressure. Elizabeth wondered what it would be like to have this kind of anchor whenever she needed it, but forced the thought away quickly.
"A part of me wishes that we could just stay here and make the rest of the world go away," Elizabeth said, trying to put her confused feelings into words although she wasn't sure that any of it would make sense. "No more responsibilities, no one at home to betray. Just something . . . simple."
Teyla smiled. "It would be a wonderful dream."
There was a hint of sadness lurking in Teyla's eyes despite the smile. She knew what Elizabeth was trying to find the courage to do. Teyla's perceptiveness was one of things that had drawn Elizabeth to her. The ability to see what others tried to hide was part of what made her such a good leader for her people. Elizabeth was glad, in a way, that she couldn't lie to Teyla about any of this. It kept some things between them simpler. Not everything, never everything, but at least she didn't have to hide her confused feelings because Teyla knew already.
Of course, none of that made her feelings any clearer or her decisions any easier.
"We could not live forever in a dream world," Teyla said. "It would be wonderful for a while, but reality has a purpose. The hard times help us to appreciate the good."
Elizabeth released Teyla's hand so that she could touch her face, trying to memorise the feel of Teyla's warm, smooth skin. She pushed hair away from Teyla's temple, traced the lines of her cheek and eyebrow, brushed a thumb over Teyla's lip.
It would never be enough.
Teyla caught Elizabeth's hand against her face and smiled. "I understand your choices."
"You do?"
"Yes." There was the briefest of hesitations. "When we were young, Halling and I planned to marry. He was a little older, but it seemed a good match to both of us and our parents were pleased."
"What happened?" Somehow, the idea didn't come as a surprise to Elizabeth even though it wasn't something she had considered before. "Did you . . . ?"
"I went on a trading mission with my father the summer before we were due to be joined," Teyla said. "The daughter of the clan's healer was my age and very beautiful. We became friends, but never lovers."
"You loved her, though."
"Yes." Teyla's smile was slightly crooked. "I did not want to betray Halling. He is a good man and I loved him, in a way. When we returned, I spoke with Halling and told him about the healer's daughter. We agreed not to marry, which is probably the best decision either of us have made. He met Jinto's mother a few months later and would not have been free to love her if we had continued."
"It all worked out, then," Elizabeth said.
"Eventually."
"I don't want to betray Simon."
"I know."
"I already have, though. Just talking about this betrays him."
"Then we shall not talk of it further," Teyla said. "I will leave and when we meet next, we will be no more than friends."
"Can you do that?"
"Yes," Teyla said, no hesitation.
***
Elizabeth discovered that she could, too. They met in the mess at dinner that evening, two colleagues sharing a meal surrounded by workmates, and Elizabeth found that it was surprisingly easy to act the part of no more than friends.
If she went back to her cold bed and dreamed about warm kisses beneath the sheets with someone who definitely wasn't Simon, it was nobody's business but her own.
*fin*