As an annoying demon with dreadful clothes taste once said, there are moments in your life when everything changes. Sometimes they're small moments; sometimes they're not.
It was a beautiful, typically sunny day in Sunnydale. Willow and Buffy were sitting under a tree in a small grassy park on the college campus, studying.
"I think we should have all our classes out here," Buffy commented. "It's nice, and sunny, and the sky's pretty and the birds are singing and . . ."
"People would be so busy looking at all that they wouldn't pay any attention to the actual class part of the class," Willow finished.
"Spoil my fun," Buffy accused.
Willow sighed. "You just need to focus. We're out here to stop you failing college which means we have to study for more than two minutes at once."
The Slayer picked up her book again and glared at it. "Ok, I'm learn girl again."
"Good. Now the major causes of the First World War were? . . . Buffy? . . . Buffy!"
***
Pain.
That was all Buffy was aware of. There was pain everywhere; her hands, her feet, her head, her gut. The pain was at once fire and ice, dull and sharp. She felt as though she was exploding and the only thing keeping her together was her skin. But her skin was too tight and she wanted to crawl out of it. The pain stabbed and pulled. It was a living thing and it oozed into every cell and pore in her body. There was nothing beyond the pain. She was the pain.
Dimly she heard someone call something. A name. Buffy. Was that her? She was the pain and the pain was she.
As abruptly as it started the pain left. With the pain gone she floated in nothing. Something moved and she stared in wonder at the hand in front of her face. The hand moved and she realised that the hand was hers. She was lying on grass and sun beamed down on her face. It should have been warm but she felt nothing. Buffy. Was that her?
Something was wrong. Something that should be there was not. Floating in the void of numbness she sighed. Something was wrong. Buffy. Was that her?
Something was gone. She had to go to it. She looked down and felt faint surprise that the ground was moving beneath her. Numbness receded and she stumbled, fell. Her hands stung but she pushed herself up and ran on. Buffy. Was that her?
A door. It barely impeded her and she was kneeling on the floor, cradling his head in her lap. Something was missing. His body was there, but it was empty. He was gone.
Buffy. That was her name. Darkness came.
***
Willow and Xander watched Buffy and worried. She had been sitting on the couch, motionless and hardly even seeming alive, for hours. Willow had found her kneeling on the floor of the apartment, Giles' head in her lap, staring into the distance with tears rolling down her face. She had been crying too when she called 911 and it had seemed forever before the paramedics arrived. There had been questions and police and a black body bag. Now the apartment was empty again and Buffy seemed just as empty.
Eventually the two friends forced her to lie down and covered her with a blanket.
***
Bright sunlight shone down on the tiny crowd of mourners at the graveside. Xander and Anya held hands, even Anya understanding for once the solemnity of the moment. Willow, white faced, stared at the coffin and Tara took her hand. Cordelia and Wesley offered each other strength and for a wonder did not bicker. Riley and Joyce stood next to Buffy. She was still numb, barely speaking, and had to be reminded to do anything to take care of herself. Her eyes were full of pain and grief that did not seem to end.
***
As she had so often during the past weeks Buffy let herself into the apartment and breathed in deeply. It still smelled the same, of tea and books, and as she wandered into the kitchen she felt as though he was still with her. The pain of loss receded a bit and she could think again. When she was out there, in the world, she felt as though something was missing inside. As though part of her soul had been ripped out and nothing could replace it. Here that feeling was not as intense.
She knew something was wrong. She should not be this way. Everyone else was sad and grieving but they were able to get on with their lives. Buffy kept trying and failing. No matter what she did one question seemed to spin around her head. Why?
Why was he dead? Even the doctors did not know that. Why him? Why her?
***
Pain.
For a long time that was all Giles could feel. It was as though he was being slowly torn into tiny pieces, shattered, and then re-made. The pain became a part of him so he did not know what had been there before.
Slowly the pain diminished and faded. Abruptly it was gone and he could think again.
He knelt on his hands and knees, gasping for breath. Minutes passed before he felt strong enough to stand and look around. Surreal did not even begin to describe it.
Giles stood in what looked like a shabby doctor's waiting room. There were seats around the room, several of them occupied by sad looking people, and a low table in the middle had tatty magazines scattered across it. Looking closer he saw that they had titles such as 'The Time', 'The Guardian Angel' and 'Hell Hound and Pegasus'.
"Name," a bored voice said beside him.
He turned and saw with some bemusement a reception desk. A woman in her fifties with blue rinsed hair sat behind it. She wore a starchy cotton blouse, a navy polyester skirt and a badge that proclaimed her name to be 'Doreen'. Giles smiled wryly and walked to the desk.
"Name," the woman said, managing to sound even less interested than before.
"Rupert Giles. May I ask-"
"Take a seat," she gestured to the chairs, "you'll be seen soon."
"Where am-"
"Sit down. Everything will be explained."
Doreen went back to flicking through the magazine on the desk in front of her. Giles sighed and sat down. He took one of the magazines, hoping it would give some clue as to where he was. It was even less help than the receptionist was. The cover proudly stated that it's mission was to bring the latest news, but inside all that was written was the word 'blah' hundreds of times. He threw it down in disgust and instead observed the other people waiting with him.
All of them sat reading the useless magazines. One man, in his fifties, rubbed a hand over his face and closed the magazine, only to open it at the beginning again. Giles shivered when he briefly saw his eyes. They were black and empty.
Time passed slowly. A door that Giles had not noticed before opened and a young woman walked through. She was dressed in a smart red suit and had long, black hair but her eyes were as empty as everyone else's were. Purposefully she walked to the desk and gave her name. Doreen listlessly told her to sit down and she did, picking up one of the magazines and instantly becoming absorbed.
More time passed and Giles was surprised to find that he felt neither hungry nor tired. A low buzz sounded from the desk and he looked up.
"Graham Jones," Doreen intoned.
The man Giles presumed was Graham Jones stood. He was probably the same age as the Watcher, but his face was lined and weary, his back slumped dejectedly and his eyes were black and empty. Jones walked across the room and through a door behind the reception desk. Giles was sure it had not been there before.
As time passed more people entered the waiting room and others left. Finally Doreen called his name and he felt a shiver of excitement run through him. He opened the door and stepped through.
The office he stepped into was nothing like the waiting room outside. Looking back he could see the shabby room with its despairing occupants, but it seemed as though he was looking through frosted glass. He focussed instead on the office around him.
The first thought that occurred to him was that a wealthy lawyer would have felt quite at home here. A huge, polished mahogany desk dominated the room. The thick, plush carpet was green with tiny gold fleur-de-lis and the gold and green theme was echoed in the study lamps on the desk. Dark oak panelling covered the walls and a fire burned in the hearth behind the desk.
"Ya like it?" a voice said behind him.
Giles jumped and spun around. A short, tubby man with a balding head stood behind him with a friendly smile.
"P-pardon?" Giles queried.
"The study. Ya like it? 'Course ya do. It's how you imagined it would be." The tubby man walked around a stunned Giles and sat down behind the desk. "Take a seat. Pull up a pew. I'm not gonna break my neck to look at ya."
Giles pulled himself out of the stunned haze he was and sat down in the chair that had appeared in front of the desk as soon as the strange man mentioned it.
"Guess ya have a few questions. Can't say I blame ya. What yer seeing ain't what's really here. That would blow ya brains out. What yer seein' is the best approximation ya mind can tolerate. Go figure."
"Wh-what . . ." Giles cleared his throat and began again. "Who are you? Where am I?"
The balding man grinned. "Call me Barnabus. I'm kinda like your mentor. Where are ya? You're dead, man. Cheer up, it's not that bad."
"Of course," Giles said distractedly. Dead. That made horrifying sense.
"What ya have to decide is where you're goin' now," Barnabus continued. "Ya see, ya didn't die right. Most folks, their bodies die and then their souls leave. They either go to their reward or to the other place. Some come here though - the ones that can't be assigned for some reason. You are the ultimate in unassignable. Someone ripped out yer soul and the shock killed yer body. Ya can't go on but yer body is dead and buried."
"I'm dead," Giles clarified.
"As a dodo."
"Oh."
"Ya can't stay here. Ya have to go somewhere. Where d'ya wanna go?" Barnabus pressed.
Buffy. That was the first thing that came to Giles' mind.
"She's a hottie. Ya sure?"
"I-I-I-"
"Once ya decide that's it, so be real sure," Barnabus pressed. "I'll be here to advise ya, but I can't change yer assignment once ya take it. That's up to the Powers That Be."
"The Powers That Be?"
"You've worked for all these years without knowing who yer bosses are? Sheesh. The Watcher's Council ain't yer boss anymore than I am. They just pretend to be. Open yer eyes already."
"Oh." He seemed to be saying that a lot.
"It's a lot to take in at once, I know. But ya have to decide fast. Are ya gonna go to her or are ya gonna let her go on as she is?"
"What's happening to her?" Giles asked, suddenly worried.
"Watch."
The fire behind Barnabus suddenly flared up to become a sheet of flame and images formed in it. Giles watched Buffy walking around the college campus listlessly, more lifelessly than those people out in the waiting room. He watched as Willow and Xander tried to interest her in what was going on. Watched as Riley kissed her and she simply stood there, stiffly, almost like a mannequin. Watched as she moved around his kitchen making a cup of tea, which she took to the couch and simply stared at. But worst of all he saw all the life that had been such a part of his Slayer slowly draining out of her.
"She's dyin'. Slowly, and it'll take time, but she's dyin' as surely as if she had cancer. You two had a connection and now that yer not there she's dyin'. The way ya died ripped that connection as violently as yer soul was ripped out. That was not meant to happen. You were meant to die together and go onto yer reward. Instead you're here and she's there and yer both dyin' without each other."
For a long time there was silence as Giles thought. But in the end there was only one choice he could make.
"How do I get to her?"
Barnabus smiled delightedly, looking like a boy who had been told the fair was coming to town. "It's like this . . ."
***
Giles opened his eyes and sighed with relief to see the familiar living room of his apartment. Transferring from Barnabus' office had sounded remarkably simple, until the tubby little man told him what could happen if he lost concentration part way through. He might well be a disembodied spirit but there were still plenty of unpleasant things that could happen to him. Looking around he saw that there very little had changed while he was away. Barnabus had not told him how much time had elapsed since he died, but Giles had a feeling that it was more than the few short hours that he could remember. However the apartment did not feel empty the way it would if it had been abandoned since he died. There was no dust on the shelves and the mail was not sitting in a heap on the front mat. A pair of sandals sat by the couch and Giles remembered the vision Barnabus had shown him. That had evidently not been the first time that Buffy had come here.
Another thought occurred to Giles. If the sandals were still here their owner probably was as well. It was the middle of the night and if she was not downstairs she had to be upstairs. The only thing upstairs was his bedroom.
Filled with curiosity, and a few other emotions he did not want to examine too closely right now, Giles crept up the stairs. Half way up he began to feel a bit foolish - his legs and in fact his entire body were only a product of his mind so he could be stamping up the stairs and still make no noise.
Buffy lay on the covers of the bed. For the first time since the pain receded Giles felt deep sadness as he saw how much she had changed. The jeans and shirt she wore would have fit perfectly before, but now they hung loosely on her too-thin body. Her face was pale and drawn, there were black circles almost like bruises under her eyes and her golden hair was now tangled and lank. He knew those changes had not come about because of her grief. With their connection ripped away so brutally she was slowly dying as the life drained out of her. It was up to him to repair it.
He crossed the room and spent a while gazing down at her. "This won't happen again," he whispered. "I won't harm you again."
Barnabus had told him what to do. Giles reached down and gently brushed Buffy's cheek with his fingertips. His fingers went through her face and he felt a brief shiver. Then it felt as though something inside snapped into place, and he felt complete again.
He looked down at Buffy again. She stirred softly, muttered something and rolled over before drifting back to sleep. But he could tell that the sleep was more peaceful and restful than it had been.
Giles stood watching her for the rest of the night. As the hours crept by colour slowly returned to the sleep girl's face. The black circles slowly faded and the pinched look in her face smoothed out. By the time dawn peeked through the window Giles knew that she was recovering.
***
For a while Buffy floated in that warm place between sleep and waking. For the first time in weeks it was a nice place to be. Usually she felt as though she was trying to claw her way out of a dark pit, with hands behind her trying to pull her back into sleep. Today she felt as though warm sunshine was beckoning her on to wakefulness and she was just resting in the shade before she floated into the light.
Sharp pangs of hunger shattered the illusion and Buffy woke up. She opened her eyes and screamed.
***
Buffy recovered from her shock quickly. As the Slayer she had seen too many strange things to be frightened by seeing her dead Watcher standing in front of her. However in those brief moments of hysteria Giles had time to weigh up all the possibilities. He could simply leave, but that would probably convince Buffy she was going insane. No matter how strange it would be he could not do that to her. So instead he waited to see what she would do.
She stared at him for a long moment, her blue eyes full of confusion. "Y-you're alive?" she managed after a while.
"No, not as such," Giles replied hesitantly.
"Either you're dead or you're not. And from where I'm sitting you don't look very dead."
"I'm not alive."
"Well, what are you? Because in my experience, not many dead people stand around talking to their grieving friends. Unless they're . . . please don't be a vampire."
The stricken, pleading look on Buffy's face tore at Giles' heart so he quickly reassured her.
"I'm not a vampire," he told her, stepping closer to the bed. "My body is still safely buried. I seem to be some form of . . . uh, ghost."
"A ghost?" Buffy whispered, edging closer to him.
"I can't think of any other word for it."
Buffy reached out a shaking hand and tried to touch his arm. Her hand went straight through it and she shivered slightly.
"You're a ghost," she said slowly. "Why?"
"It's complicated."
"Well, uncomplicate it! I've spent the past three weeks thinking you're dead, and all the time you're wandering around, probably living it up with all your new ghosty friends! I've been through hell and I deserve to know why."
"Buffy, I know you're upset but this is not easy for me either."
"So tell me what happened," Buffy said, more calmly. "I need to know."
"Someone killed me."
"I got that much."
"Did you notice that there were no obvious reasons for my death? No stab wounds, no bites, nothing."
"The doctors were totally stumped. They said it was as though all your organs suddenly collapsed at once."
"They did. Someone forcibly removed my soul from my body and the shock killed me."
Buffy was silent for a while as what he was telling her sunk in. Giles just stood watching the emotions pass across her face, sadness, pain, hurt and then happiness slowly replaced the negative emotions.
"How long will you be here for?" she finally asked.
"I don't know. Barnabus didn't tell me."
"Barnabus?"
Giles smiled at her for the first time. "My mentor."
"Sort of like a Watcher for ghosts?"
"Sort of."
For the first time in weeks Buffy smiled with genuine amusement and the sight sent a burst of warm happiness through Giles as well. There was so much to explain but he did not know where to start. He walked to the window and spent a while looking out to gather his thoughts. Below him a child was playing with a dog and occasional cars sped past. It suddenly occurred to him that it was later in the day than he had thought it was. He turned back to the girl on the bed who was currently plucking at the quilt.
"Buffy, what are you doing about college?"
She shrugged. "I'm not going today."
"You shouldn't give it up because of me-"
Buffy laughed at him. "Giles, relax. There's no point in going to college when there aren't any lectures."
"Pardon?"
"You really have been gone. It's Saturday! Not even my history professor would give lectures on a Saturday."
"Oh."
"Is it ok if I take a shower?" Buffy grinned and shook her head. "This is weird. I'm asking a ghost if it's ok to use his shower." She stood and walked to the stairs. Before she descended she turned back. "I missed you."
After she left Giles whispered, "I missed you too."
***
"So no one's managed to talk to her since it happened?" Willow asked the gathered group.
She, Tara, Riley, Xander and Anya were gathered in the dorm room. After three weeks of worrying about Buffy they had decided to do something about it. She barely spoke to any of them, when she went she wandered around the college like an automaton and she had not patrolled since Giles' death. Even Joyce was sick with worry and the fact that none of Buffy's friends seemed able to get through to her only made her worry worse. The previous evening she had visited Willow to find out if she knew anything but Buffy was not talking to anyone. A certain amount of grief was expected, particularly in view of how close she had been to Giles at school, but it was as though the blonde girl was dying inside and no one could understand why.
There was a chorus of "no's" and worried looks.
"Don't people usually grieve when someone dies?" Anya asked.
"They don't normally go catatonic like this," Xander told her.
"I don't know. I saw some pretty catatonic wives during my day, and that was just when their husband was unfaithful."
"Slight difference. Buffy and Giles weren't . . . I can't even say it."
"I didn't even realise they were that close," Riley added. "They didn't seem that close."
"They used to be," Willow said. "Up until college they were like two halves of a person. Sometimes it was like they could read each other's minds."
"Yeah, it could be pretty weird sometime," Xander agreed, remembering the days they had all spent in the library.
"What happened?" Riley asked. "She barely talks about him."
"I don't know," Willow said sadly. "They were close up until a few months ago. Everything they went through only seemed to make them closer but then - phht! Suddenly she hardly wanted to be in the same room as him. She never said what it was. Although . . ."
"Although what?" Xander asked.
Willow was having a frightening thought. "A couple of days after we started college Buffy went to see him because of the students that were disappearing. The ones that were being eaten by the vampires?"
Xander nodded as he remembered the depressed Buffy he had come home to after his road trip.
"She found Giles with Olivia."
"Who's Olivia?" Riley asked curiously.
"Giles' girlfriend. Ex-girlfriend," Willow corrected herself. "Buffy was furious. She tried to make out she was just icked out, but she was furious. I mean, I thought she was mad when she found out he and her mother . . . uh, . . . well, they, uh . . ." Willow trailed off red-faced.
"Giles and Mrs Summers?" Xander asked, grimacing.
"The Band Candy incident," Willow told him.
"I'm not even going to ask," Riley commented, amazed as always at everything this group had already been through.
"Anyway," Willow continued, "after that Buffy hardly spent any time with him. She pushed him away and there was Parker and then you," she indicated Riley, "and she didn't want to know him. He was hurting, they both were, and they haven't been close all year. I think maybe she feels guilty about it now."
Anya was looking surprisingly thoughtful. "Sounds like she was in love with him and got jealous when he had sex with someone else."
"Buffy? Uh-uh," Xander shook his head.
"I was hoping no one else would think that," Willow sighed.
Xander's jaw dropped. "You suspected . . .?"
"Not until five minutes ago."
Riley had turned first white and now green. "Buffy . . . how could . . . why did . . . I don't understand."
"I don't think she knew," Willow said quietly. "I don't think she's realised now. She just knows she hurts worse than when Angel left."
"Angel. That's the guy from her past," Riley clarified.
"Uh-huh. Good old Deadboy," Xander confirmed.
Riley looked confused. "Deadboy? No, wait, I don't think I want to know."
"Sensible man," Xander advised.
"So are we going to just talk about Buffy's past lovers or are we trying to help her?" Anya asked impatiently.
"I-I don't think there's much we can do," Tara said shyly. "She needs time to work all of it out."
Willow smiled sadly. "I think Tara's right. She'll come to us eventually. We just have to be there for her when she's ready."
***
"So I really was dying," Buffy confirmed slowly.
After her shower she had made breakfast, surprised that she was starving after weeks of not wanting food. She had eaten three bowls of cereal before she was satisfied and she was already planning a shopping trip for more food. Ever since she woke up this morning she was feeling surprisingly healthy. In fact she felt better than she had for months. Sitting on Giles' couch, mug of tea in one hand and toast in the other was almost like coming home. She could not stop herself looking at him, at the face she had never thought to see again. Giles was so familiar, but at the same time it was like seeing him for the first time again. She had never noticed before how green his eyes were, or the way the flecks of brown in the green made her think of mossy woods or the way the corners of those eyes crinkled when he smiled. That smile was the most welcome sight in the world. It was slightly uneven and sometimes seemed slightly uncertain, as though he was not sure whether she would smile back, but it was beautiful. Buffy blushed slightly at that thought and turned her mind back to the conversation.
"Yes. With the connection broken your, well I suppose it was your life force, was draining out of you through it. Now that is restored you're feeling better," Giles explained.
Buffy finished her toast while she thought. "This connection. What is it?"
Giles tried to remember everything Barnabus had told him. "People who are going to be close in some way tend to develop a connection when they meet. It's a deep, almost psychic connection. Usually no one even knows it's there, they simply develop a bond and are together in some way for the rest of their lives."
"When you say together . . ."
"Not necessarily together in the, uh, together sense." Somehow even in non-corporeal form Giles managed to blush. "Many are simply friends. Like Willow and yourself. Although it is common for there to be a romance, such as with Willow and Oz or yourself and Angel."
Buffy mused on this for a moment. She had felt a strange, indescribable sorrow at Giles' words and she could not understand why. After all, she should feel relieved that he was telling her they would not have been 'together'. "So we were sort of destined to be, uh, friends even without the Slaying?"
"Without the Slaying I doubt we would have met. You live here and I lived in England."
"Wow. Destiny really had it in for us." Buffy grinned at him, trying to take away the sad look that had suddenly crossed his face.
"Indeed."
All the time they were speaking Giles had paced the room, occasionally stopping in front of her, but then resuming the restless movements. Now he stopped again, looked down and appeared startled to be standing in the middle of the coffee table.
"Giles, sit. You're making me dizzy."
He absently went to sit on the table, as had been his habit, and slowly sank through it so that only his head and shoulders showed. Buffy began to giggle, then she laughed and finally she was laughing so hard she fell onto her side on the sofa. Tears were running down her cheeks and Giles began to chuckle as he realised how absurd he must appear. He stood again but it was several minutes before either of them could look each other in the eyes without laughing.
Finally Buffy looked at him and smiled gently. "Am I able to laugh again because the connection is working now or because you're here?"
"My being here-"
"Has re-established the connection so it's a moot question," Buffy finished with a grin. "But you being here . . . it's hard to make myself believe you're dead. I mean, I know you're dead - I was at your funeral, I held your body, I felt your death. But I'm talking to you and it's like nothing happened. My head knows but my heart is in denial."
Giles' face became full of pain and guilt. "Buffy, if my being here is harming you-"
"It's not." Buffy quickly reassured him. "Being here with you, I feel better than I have in a long time. It's not just that you died. I feel like we've been apart for months and all that time has hurt. Please don't go. I can't keep losing you."
"You won't. I won't leave you again."
"Promise?"
"I promise."
The words sent shivers through Buffy and she realised that as he said them she relaxed for the first time since he had reappeared. She was still too emotionally raw to be able to examine things properly, and she knew she would have to think about it all later, but she did not want to be away from Giles again. Even if he was a ghost of some kind his presence comforted her in ways she had never understood. At school, even during the worse of it, he had been there for her and she was now slowly realising that she had missed that during the months she had been at college. She could no longer even remember why it had seemed so important to stay away. There had been a reason, she just could not remember it. All she knew now was that she wanted to be with him again.
"A-are you going to stay here?" she asked hesitantly.
"That's really up to you," he replied.
"Me?"
"I left this place to you," he told her, gesturing around the apartment. "It seemed appropriate at the time."
For a long moment Buffy was speechless. The shock slowly subsided and she managed to say, "Thank you."
"Are you staying here?" Giles asked.
Buffy coloured slightly. "Not staying in the 'having clothes and intentionally staying' respect. It's more that I find myself here and don't want to leave so I don't. I'm sorry."
"What are you sorry for? I was gone so I can hardly complain."
"I guess now you're back it seems sort of wrong that I camped out here. I just couldn't deal with everyone asking me how I am all the time. Mom thinks I'm crazy for being sad, Will is concerned and smothers me and everyone is trying to mother me in some way. It can be too much."
Giles paced through a chair. "I have a suggestion. You can stay here for as long as you wish and whenever I'm here I'll . . . uh, be here."
"You're going somewhere?" Buffy felt a sudden panic at the idea of losing him again.
"I'll have to see Barnabus sometimes - for training and advice. He'll be able to tell how to not fall through the furniture I hope."
Buffy giggled a little and Giles knelt down in front of her. "I'm not going anywhere if I have any choice in it."
"It's a deal," his Slayer told him.
***
The walk from Giles' apartment to her dorm room gave Buffy some much-needed time to think. Everything was so confused now. Yesterday she felt as though she was being pulled into a black pit of despair with no wish to fight her way out. Now Giles was back and she did not know what to think. Her head said she should still be mourning because he was dead, but her heart told her that she had just spent the morning talking to him so how could he be dead? And over it all was the overwhelming joy at knowing he was still with her mixed with deep sadness and confusion because he was not really there.
Buffy knew she was going to have to act as though nothing had changed in front of her friends. After all, she had been acting like a zombie for weeks so if she now said she had talked to Giles' ghost that would be a one-way ticket to a mental institution. It would be hard to act as though she was still in intense grief mode, though, when all she wanted to do was shout 'he's back!' from the top of the nearest building.
Thinking about her friends led her onto the biggest problem. Riley. Until Giles' death Riley had been all she thought about. She suffered when he suffered, she laughed when he laughed, they did not have to keep secrets from each other - he seemed perfect. Ok, she admitted to herself, he did not seem so perfect at first. But he grew on her quickly until there seemed to be nothing she could see apart from him. But in the numbness following Giles' death all that had melted away as quickly as it had begun. She no longer had that fluttery feeling in her stomach whenever he was around. In fact for the past few days she had not wanted to see him. Riley was doing his best to be there for her but she just wanted to push him away.
She sighed as she crossed a road. Life just seemed to get more confusing as she got older. A month ago it seemed desperately important to keep Giles at a distance and Riley was all she could think about. Now she could not even bear to be in the same room as the young commando and she could not wait to get back to the apartment to reassure herself Giles was still there.
Buffy stood looking up at the imposing mass that was Stevenson Hall, remembering her first days of college. She had been so excited to come here and finally be independent from Joyce. But within a few days everything had turned upside down and her life had changed again in ways she had not expected. College itself had turned out to be not much different to high school. It was everything that went with it that seemed to be different.
***
"Are we having a party?" Buffy asked as she entered her unusually crowded dorm room.
"Oh, look, it's Buffy," Willow said nervously. "Uh, guys, uh, Buffy's here. In the room. Isn't that great? Gosh, Buff, you look . . . less pale. Um, hi?"
Buffy sighed as she looked at the gathering. Willow's nervous babbling and Riley's guilty face were all she needed to tell her what was happening.
"Thanks for the concern, but I'm ok," she told them as she walked to the closet.
Xander stood up. "Buffy, you're not ok. We're your friends and we're concerned."
Buffy emerged from the closet with her weapon bag and small suitcase. "Xander, you're all stifling me. I need space to deal and I can't cope with all of you fussing around me."
Xander's hurt face immediately filled Buffy with guilt.
"I don't mean . . . I don't know what I mean. I never do at the moment. I need you guys, but I don't need you quite to be quite so . . . mothery. I'm moving in with - into Giles' for a few days." There was silence in the room. "I'll be happy to see you there whenever you want to come over."
Everyone protested, trying to convince her that this was the worst thing she could do, so in the end she walked out leaving them all staring at the door in confusion.
***
Giles stood again in Barnabus' plush office. Now he knew the trick of it he was relieved that he did not have to sit in the waiting room with all the poor souls that were waiting for assignment. Their blank eyes and hopeless expressions were more than he could cope with, particularly knowing how close he was to being one of them.
"Ya had to do it."
Barnabus' sudden appearance made Giles jump, and he spun around to face the short balding man.
"Ya couldn't leave it alone, could ya?"
"I didn't realise so much time passed," Giles tried to explain. "I thought she wouldn't be able to see me."
"'Course she'd be able to see ya!" Barnabus' voice was tinged with exasperation. "Ya have the connection. No one else will, unless they're sensitive, but *she* is the one person who would. Didn't I warn ya about the dangers of associating with mortals? For both of ya."
Giles said nothing.
"Well, I guess there's nothing ya can do now. What's done is done," Barnabus said with an aggrieved sigh. "I suppose yer gonna want guidance now, aren't ya? How to survive with mortals without making a fool of yerself. What ya can and can't do. I knew this assignment was gonna be trouble."
***
Buffy managed to juggle her suitcase and grocery bags for long enough to find her keys and open the door. But as the door opened she lost control of one of the bags of groceries and it fell scattering tins and packets with a loud crash. She carefully balanced the other bag on the desk by the door and began to pick up the groceries.
By the time she had put away all the shopping Giles had still not appeared and Buffy was starting to worry. She went upstairs to unpack her suitcase, irrationally hoping that he was hiding up there. There was no sign of him.
Beginning to panic Buffy searched though the apartment calling his name. Finally she stood in the middle of the lounge, almost in tears, and tried to decide what to.
"Giles?" she called again. "If you're hiding I'll . . . I'll . . ."
"What?" he asked from behind her.
Buffy squeaked and whirled around. "Could you not do that?" she exclaimed. "Make some noise or something before you appear."
"I'll try to remember that," Giles replied with an amused grin. "What did you want?"
Buffy flushed as she remembered how panicked she had become at his sudden disappearance. "When you weren't here I thought - do we have to discuss this? I'm going to make lunch."
Giles followed her into the kitchen. "You though I'd gone again."
"Maybe. A little," Buffy admitted reluctantly.
"I won't deny that I considered it," he began. "My being here can't be good for you."
"You being here stopped me dying," Buffy pointed out.
"But I'm preventing you moving on. You've already said that it's difficult to grieve for me when I'm standing here in front of you."
"If you feel that way then why are you here?"
"Because if I leave now I'd be breaking my promise to you."
"Promises really mean a lot to you, don't they?" Buffy asked curiously.
Giles simply nodded his head but Buffy felt as though she had been punched in the stomach. "So all those times I broke my promises . . ."
"Are in the past. It hurt at the time but I also understand that you were just doing what you felt you had to."
"I'm sorry," she said sadly. "I never meant to hurt you or anyone else, but there never seemed to be any other way. Everything always seemed to get so complicated."
"Life is complicated," Giles told her. "If it wasn't it wouldn't be real."
"I hate it when you're right," Buffy said grumpily, but she smiled at him to let him know she was all right.
His answering smile was the usual shy, slightly lopsided smile but for some reason it sent a pleasant shiver down her back. For a moment she was captivated by the warm affection in his eyes but then she shook it off and hid her face in the fridge for a minute to calm down.
"I guess you don't need food anymore," Buffy commented as she emerged with some cheese and butter.
"I don't appear to," Giles said. "I quite miss it actually. There's something remarkably comforting about eating."
They were silent as Buffy made herself a sandwich and began to eat it. Buffy was not sure what she wanted to say. "Sorry about your deadness" just did not seem tasteful. So instead she began to go through her mental list of possible suspects in his murder.
"Do you have any idea why someone would want to kill you like this?" she asked eventually.
"Pardon?"
"Well, removing your soul seems a bit elaborate. Who would want to kill you that way? Wouldn't it be easier to just stab you or shoot you?"
"The spell is probably very complicated. Only a skilled sorcerer could do it," Giles said thoughtfully.
"Ethan's a skilled a sorcerer," Buffy commented. "But this doesn't really fit his MO. Mischief, maybe killing in self-defence, but all this just to kill you? I don't see it. Plus he's safely locked up somewhere."
Giles thought for a moment. "Being locked up wouldn't really be a problem for Ethan, but you're right. He's guilty of a lot, but this isn't his style. He has never liked to expend more effort than needed to get something done."
"In other words he's a lazy coward," Buffy clarified. "Comforting. Any other suspects?"
She could see the struggle in Giles' eyes but eventually honesty won. "Have you considered the Initiative?"
Buffy winced almost imperceptibly but she knew why he was asking. "It's not their style. They're not into the mystical side of things. If they were going to kill you they'd use a gun. And they have no reason to think you're a threat. Not that you're not threatening, because you can be, it's just that you haven't really done much around them so they probably don't know that you're a . . ."
"Moderately useless former Watcher," Giles finished for her.
"You are not useless," Buffy said fiercely. "How many times would I have died during the past few years if it hadn't been for you? You've saved my life more times than I can count and knowing you would be there for me kept me going at the worst times. Knowing you'd give me that disappointed look if I died stupidly stopped me doing some pretty idiotic things. I'm sorry if I've made you feel useless lately, more sorry than you can know. You're not useless. Without you I don't know what I'd be."
"Buffy, I-"
"The Council!" she cut him off.
"If the Council wanted me dead they would have killed me when they came for Faith," Giles pointed out. "Even they aren't quite that corrupt. What would they gain from my death?"
"Me."
"Buffy you can cope without me perfectly well. The Council must know that my death wouldn't change your feelings towards them."
"The Council doesn't seem to do rational very well."
"Be that as it may, this does not strike me as their work."
"What if someone killed you to get at me?"
"It's possible," Giles allowed. "In fact it's quite probable. Adding together all the enemies we've made over the years our problem becomes one of too many suspects rather than too few."
"How many are experienced sorcerers though?"
"They don't have to be. There are plenty of unscrupulous sorcerers who will perform any spell for the right money."
"Like the one we used to make the Mayor think that Angel . . ." Buffy trailed off, amazed that that memory still had the power to hurt so deeply.
"Yes. Although, unlike many, he has some moral standards."
"So there's no way to work out who killed you."
"Not really, no."
***
Finally talking about all the things they had bottled up for so long was emotionally draining, even though they both felt better than they had for months. Buffy was more drained than she had realised. She sat down on the couch for a moment, while she decided what to do for the afternoon, and the stress and exhaustion she had been under caught up. In moments she was asleep, lying uncomfortably twisted so her feet were on the floor and her torso flat on the seat. For a while Giles stood beside her, wishing there was some way he could move her so she would not be so stiff when she woke, but his non-corporeal state made that impossible. Instead he began to practise the tricks Barnabus had shown him.
***
Buffy could feel painful stiffness down her side as she woke. She tried to sit up and gasped at the pain from her abused back.
"I thought Slayers had superpowers," she grumbled to herself. "Putting your back out from sleeping funny seems wrong . . . and painful."
Eventually she managed to stand and found that slow movement seemed to release some of the stiffness. Still rotating her shoulders and working the kinks out of her back she made her way to the kitchen for a drink. That was where she found Giles glaring at a mug on the counter and trying to grab it, although his fingers passed straight through it.
"Hi!" she said brightly. "What're you doing?"
"Trying to pick this blasted thing up," he said, still glaring at the mug.
"Oh. Can you do that?"
"Apparently not. Along with a lot of other things."
"Giles, I promise we'll find whoever did this to you and I'll help kill them."
"Thank you," Giles said, smiling down at her.
Again Buffy was caught by his warm green eyes staring down at her. Part of her brain protested that someone who could look at her with so much affection, amusement and emotion could not be dead. If he was dead his eyes should be too - dead and cold. But another part of her brain knew that he could never lack emotions in his eyes. 'Eyes are the windows to the soul'. She did not know who had said that but it was the truest thing ever said. Giles' eyes gave her a rare glimpse into his mind and heart. Without knowing why, she usually avoided looking into his eyes like this. She knew now - she was afraid to see the trust, the pain and, most of all, the love in those green eyes.
As she looked up at him Buffy wondered at the pain that lurked in his eyes and had made faint lines on brow. When she first met him he had seemed so hopeful, so excited about the possibilities of their shared destinies. Now there was pain etched on his face from the many dreadful things that had happened. At that moment Buffy would have given almost anything to be able to smooth that pain away. Without realising she was doing it her hand slowly drifted up to his face to touch the lines at the corner of his eye. For a brief moment she thought she felt warm flesh beneath her fingertips but then the sensation faded and her fingers went through his face, sending shivers down her spine.
Was it her imagination or did the pain lessen slightly? Did the love glowing from his eyes suddenly grow slightly brighter?
Buffy stepped back hurriedly and opened the fridge so she did not have to look at him. She was sure her face was burning up. How long had she been standing there, staring at him like a goon? Her face heated even more.
"Buffy, are-"
"Lasagne or pizza?" she cut him off brightly, turning to hold up the packets.
His puzzled expression made her grin slightly, but the sight of it reassured her he had not noticed anything amiss. Later she would work out what happened but for now she needed to distract Giles. A loud rumbling from her stomach informed her that the question of food needed to be solved immediately.
"Lasagne," she said aloud and began reading the instructions to block out the sight of Giles.
*finis*