It was much later when Giles found yet another drawback to his non-corporeal state. He did not need to sleep. For a while he lay down just to see how he felt, but truthfully he had no desire to sleep and no need for it. He wandered around the apartment trying to find something to do, but he could not even lift any books down from their shelves let alone actually open them. The TV was equally problematic and he finally found himself standing in the living room feeling utterly bored.
Barnabus had told him that it was only his mental perception of himself that was making him have these problems. If he could believe that he could pick up a cup he would be able to. That was easier said than done though. So instead he was pacing his apartment reciting Latin verbs just to give his mind something to do.
A sound outside the apartment pulled him out of his increasingly depressed thoughts. It was only faint, something falling outside the window, but it was enough to immediately put him on alert. As he listened her heard another faint scraping sound and knew someone, or something, was out there. Cautiously he made his way to the door and poked his head through. It was a strange sensation to deliberately put his head through an object but it was one of the few advantages of his new status. As he looked out he could see a shadowy figure crouched beneath the window. Saying a silent prayer that this would not be one of the rare sensitives who could see him, he walked fully through the door and began to creep closer.
Something must have alerted the intruder because it suddenly moved and turned to look at him. It was too dark for Giles to make out the face but he was sure he knew it. For one long moment they stared at each other and even though he could not see any features Giles felt a wave of black, viscous hate emanating from the figure. Then it sprang up and ran out of the courtyard. Without thought Giles began to run after the fleeing figure.
He chased it down a couple of streets before turning a corner to find the figure had vanished. When he realised that he could not find the mysterious intruder Giles leaned against a wall to catch his breath.
After a moment he straightened and began to touch the wall with a sense of wonder. He was actually touching something without putting his hand through it. When he concentrated he could push his hand through, and he had no real sensation of what he was touching, but he was actually touching something. The thought made him want to whoop with joy and dance on the spot, but his inner reserve would not allow him. Instead he contented himself with slapping the wall, half disappointed when there was no pain.
Another thought occurred to him and he began to chuckle at himself. Old habits were hard to get rid of, particularly the habit of breathing. As a ghost he did not need to breathe, and having to pant after running seemed slightly silly in that light. But it was so ingrained in him that he could not help it, even though he felt pretty ridiculous as a ghost getting out of breath. Feeling slightly more cheerful than before he made his way back to the apartment.
***
Buffy woke slowly and stretched lazily. She could feel warm sunlight pouring down on her but after a moment she began to feel slightly puzzled. It was coming from the wrong place. Mentally she ran through a list of where she could be and bolted upright as she remembered that she was at Giles' apartment. In his bed. And he was a ghost, hanging around somewhere.
Suddenly Buffy had the urge to go and check on Giles, just to make sure that he had not been called away while she was asleep. Stopping long enough to throw a robe on over her pyjamas Buffy quickly descended the stairs to the living room. For just a moment she felt a cold rush of fear slicing through her before she spotted her Watcher sitting standing by the counter in the kitchen. She felt a surge of warmth as she watched him turning the pages of the book on the counter, a bowl standing forgotten beside it. Typical Giles. He would probably forget his own funeral if a good book got in the way.
The thought immediately sobered Buffy. Giles had been at his funeral, in a coffin, lying pale and lifeless. But she could not equate that image with the vital, lively (if a little distracted) man standing in front of her.
Giles turned a page and Buffy realised why the scene seemed slightly out of kilter to her. He was reading a book, turning the pages and had obviously managed to get a bowl out of the cupboard.
"Giles, you're solid!" she exclaimed.
He jumped, startled, and then blushed slightly. "Not as solid as I would wish, but essentially I'm solid."
"How? Why? When?"
Buffy poured herself some juice and sat down at the table to listen to him. Giles sat opposite her, a definite improvement on yesterday he thought to himself, and recounted the night's adventure.
As he talked Giles found himself watching Buffy. There was nothing unusual in that, except that normally he was not talking to her when she was only wearing pyjamas and a thin robe. He found it surprisingly difficult to concentrate on what he was saying. He kept being distracted by her tousled, fresh-from-bed look. And when she finished her juice and drew her legs up to her chest he found the sight of her bare legs even more distracting. It was more than simply distracting; it was disturbing. He had the intense wish to touch those smooth, golden legs and run his hands through her hair. This had never happened before. Occasionally he had admitted to himself that Buffy was an extraordinarily beautiful girl, and sometimes he had even felt a twinge of jealousy towards Angel and then Riley, but he had never found himself fantasising about her before.
The thought pulled him up. He was fantasising about her and was desperately wishing she would smile just so he could see the way it lit the room. Death had evidently made him loose his grip on reality.
"Giles? Are you ok?"
He came back to himself and realised that Buffy was now standing in front of him, looking at him intently. She looked concerned and Giles felt his face heat at the memory of what he had been thinking about her.
"Are you alright? You kind of zoned on me for a moment there." Buffy's voice was laced with the concern that was echoed on her face.
"I'm fine," he reassured her. "I was just . . . puzzling over who the intruder could have been."
"Ah." Buffy did not look satisfied but evidently she decided to leave it alone for now. "Do you think he could have had something to do with your situation?"
"The thought occurred to me."
"It's a shame you didn't see him properly. I'd love to have a few minutes alone with him."
"I'd be cheering you on every moment." Giles smiled at her, relieved that the difficult moment was over.
"What were you making?" Buffy asked, indicating the abandoned bowl.
"I was considering making you some breakfast," Giles told her.
"Let me guess, you found a book and got side-tracked."
"More or less."
Buffy raised an eyebrow at him.
"Possibly more rather than less."
"That's my Giles. A sucker for a book. Do you read the cereal packets if you can't find a book at breakfast?"
Giles' embarrassed look was answer enough.
"What were you making me?"
"Well, it was going to be an omelette."
"Sounds good. Need any help?"
As they cooked they discovered the less helpful side of Giles' new abilities. As soon as he actually thought about the impossibility of what he was doing his solidity dissolved. When a person is holding two eggs that is not particularly helpful. Buffy decided that the technique was to make sure Giles was not holding anything potentially breakable or messy and they would cope.
"Do you have any plans today?" Giles inquired as she ate, struggling to keep his eyes on her face and not elsewhere.
"Not really. Mostly just lazing and maybe studying if I get bored. I'm hoping that Willow and Xander might come round."
"And Riley?"
Buffy's expression was uncertain. "I guess if he wants to visit it'll be ok."
"Ah."
"Ah, what?"
"Have you had an argument?"
"No. Not really. Not an argument where you stand and scream at each other."
"But . . ." Giles probed.
"But . . . I'm not sure." Buffy suddenly deflated. "Since you . . . maybe even before that, I'll see him and there's nothing. It's like everything I felt for him, or at least thought I felt, was a lie and now there's nothing. Maybe fondness, friendship, but none of the heart stopping, mind-numbing . . . stuff I thought I felt. It's weird and now I don't know how to talk to him. He kisses me and I feel nothing. Zip. Zero. Nada. Am I a really bad person?"
Giles looked at her, noting the bright tears welling in her eyes and the forlorn expression, and his heart broke for her. Never mind the tiny voice in his head that was screaming "yippee!" He filed that away to examine later. Instead he tried to comfort her. Without even being aware of it he covered her hand with his and she squeezed it tightly.
"Of course you're not a bad person. These things happen. You're young and your feelings are bound to change over time."
Buffy closed her eyes and took a deep breath, trying to contain the tears. Her emotions had been so erratic over the past few weeks that she was sometimes surprised that she had any tears left. "I just didn't think my feelings would change like this. One moment I'm all over him and the next . . . I'm over him. Overnight I removed an 'all' and fell out of love. Am I that fickle?"
"Buffy, you are anything but fickle. I may not agree with your relationship with Angel, but you showed more commitment to him than many people show to their legal partner. But that has been your only serious relationship so far and it's not surprising that you don't want that kind of commitment again."
Inside Buffy knew, with sudden clarity, that it was not commitment she did not want - it was really Riley. Giles was wrong in a way, and yet also more right than he could know. She wanted someone who loved her as much as Angel had, accepted her the way no one else could and did not leave her as cold as Riley now did. She needed someone to fill the empty gap in her soul. But she needed time to process this minor epiphany so instead she said, "Thank you. How do you always know what to say to make me feel less bad about myself?"
"I wasn't aware that I did."
"You do. Thank you." She suddenly became aware that she was sitting, half-dressed, at the dining table of her Watcher and equally suddenly she became aware that it did not feel . . . appropriate. "I'd better go and get dressed," she said with a shy smile.
"Y-yes," Giles stammered, and then blushed.
As Buffy slowly walked upstairs to get her wash kit she muttered under her breath, "Appropriate? You've spent way too much time around him. Maybe I should see Willow and Xander today after all - brush up on my teenage slang a little."
***
The doorbell rang that afternoon as Buffy was finishing washing up her dishes from lunch. Giles was sitting at the counter reading a book and the companionable domesticity had felt surprisingly right for some reason. As the sound echoed through the apartment they looked at each other.
"Do you-"
"I'll go-"
They both spoke at the same time and broke off. Buffy gestured for the Watcher to continue.
"I'll go upstairs. I doubt they could see me but . . ."
The blonde Slayer felt a brief pang of disappointment that he would not be there while she coped with her friends, but he would be upstairs so that was almost as good. Wasn't it?
Buffy opened the door and found not only Willow and Xander standing there, but also Riley and Tara. "Hi," she said weakly. She took a breath and tried again. "Hi. Uh, come in?"
The groups of teenagers trooped in casting worried looks at Buffy as they passed her and sat down uncomfortably in the living room. The blonde Slayer sighed quietly as she shut the door and took up her seat curled up in a corner of the sofa.
"So," Willow began slowly, "how are you?"
"I'm OK. Really guys, I'm feeling a lot better than I did. I'm sorry if I worried you but," Buffy shrugged, "I was having trouble dealing. I've been thinking a lot lately and I'm feeling more . . . together now."
"Well, good," Willow said, summoning up an uncertain smile. "I'm glad you're feeling less . . . sad. We all miss him y'know. He was a huge part of our lives for four years and it's hard to let go of that."
"I know. I'm sorry I bailed on you all like that. It was like something inside me died when he did, but now I think I'm getting better. I don't feel so empty anymore."
As she spoke, she was unaware of Riley's sudden attention or the startled look that crossed his face, followed by a look of pale sadness. However, Willow noticed.
"Does anyone want to help me make tea?" she asked, nudging Tara gently.
"Not for me thanks," Xander said blithely, getting two glares in response.
He cocked his head in puzzlement and Willow gestured to Riley with her eyes. Still Xander looked puzzled so the redheaded witch rolled her eyes and pointed towards the commando, trying to hide her movements from Buffy.
"Oh!" Xander exclaimed, as he finally understood. "Right. Sure, I'd love to help you. Now? Now."
Willow dragged Tara and Xander out of the room, into the kitchen, and pointedly closed the hatch. Buffy and Riley were left sitting uncomfortably in the living room. Neither of them spoke for a couple of minutes and then Riley stood, walked over to the sofa and sat down beside his girlfriend. He ducked his head and looked into her eyes, noting her expression of sad introspection. The unfamiliar expression pulled at something deep down and he put an arm around her shoulder comfortingly. Without realising what she was doing Buffy stiffened and tried to shrug him off.
Riley's heart immediately sank, even though the small woman beside him tried to retract her gesture.
"Buffy, what's wrong?" he asked gently. "There's something going on in that busy mind of yours and it's scaring me."
"Going on?" she repeated. "Nothing's going on. Nothing that you need to be worried about."
Riley shook his head and moved away from her slightly. "Something is up. Is it to do with Giles? I know you're upset about him but I didn't think you were that close."
"No," Buffy said, a little too quickly. Her guilty look betrayed though.
"Now I know there's something wrong. You don't normally lie to me. You may omit the occasional detail, but you don't normally flat-out lie. Tell me."
"You wouldn't understand."
"Try me.
"Trust me, you wouldn't understand."
"Maybe I understand more than you think." Riley took a deep breath. "I think you fell in love with Giles, without knowing it, and were hurt deeply when you found him with someone else. Now that he's gone you wish you could have told him how you felt and you're feeling guilty for pushing him away. Xander and Willow told be how close you used to be. I can understand, really, I can."
"I . . . you . . . you think . . . I . . ." Buffy trailed off. The whole idea was absurd - so beyond ridiculous it was not even funny - yet a part of her conscious had been nudging her as he spoke, telling her that maybe it was not quite that silly. "Maybe."
Buffy put her hand over her mouth but the words were already out and Riley looked as though she had punched him in the stomach - or worse.
"Riley, I didn't mean-"
"Yes, you did," he interrupted her. "I think I'd better go now."
"But-"
He reached over and gently wiped away the tear that was sliding down her cheek. "No 'buts'. I love you, and in your way I know you love me. But he has a part of you I can't have and I can understand that. I don't want to be second best. If you're with me I want to have all your heart, not the left-overs, so I have to go."
***
Giles started as the door closed and he began mentally hitting himself for listening in on what was supposed to be a private conversation - what would have been better as a private conversation. But he had promised to stay upstairs and they had been deep into their conversation before he realised what was happening. And now he knew things that he would definitely have been better off not knowing. Riley's accusation had been startling enough - Buffy's admission had stunned him into insensibility for a while. How could he have been so blind? And what was he to do now? Knowing what he did about her feelings, and his feelings in return, it would be difficult to go on as they had before, especially considering his current...status.
He sat down on the bed and sighed. As if hanging around in his current condition was not bad enough for the poor girl - now there were feelings involved that had no right being involved. And worst of all, no future for those feelings. There was only one thing to do - he had to see Barnabus.
***
Willow found Buffy alone in the living room staring at the coffee table with a look of profound sorrow.
"He talked to you?" she asked, sitting down on the sofa next to her friend and putting an arm over her shoulders.
Buffy did not answer, but instead turned and began crying hopelessly. Willow hugged her close and gently rubbed her back, feeling the harsh sobs racking her friend and wondering what Riley had said that could possibly have done this to her. Eventually the Slayer began to calm down and the tears reduced to hiccuping gasps.
"What did he say?" Willow asked, looking into her friend's tear-streaked face. "I told him...vague disclaimers are nobody's friend. I'll find my shovel and . . ."
"Will, it wasn't anything . . . he didn't hurt me. Well, he did . . . but not in the way you think." Buffy took a deep breath and rubbed her hands over her face. "He . . . made me think about something I didn't want to and then . . . he left. He had to."
"What was it?"
"It's . . . it's nothing important now."
"Nonsense. If it wasn't important, why did he leave?"
Buffy shrugged and sniffed. "He had to. I . . . I don't do long term well it seems."
"Was it about Giles?"
"What?"
"Was it about Giles? We were talking the other day and . . . I might have told him, in a roundabout way that is totally Anya's fault, that you may, possibly, have had some feelings for Giles that were more than Slayer/Watcher feelings. Maybe. Possibly. Are you mad?"
"No, no, of course I'm not mad. A little surprised maybe. How did you know? I didn't really know until Riley said it and then it just seemed . . . right."
Willow smiled at her. "Oh, it was little things. You guys were so close - until Olivia - and then there was all the times you worried about him, or had a private joke none of the rest of us knew or . . . well, there was a lot of stuff."
"Oh. Wow. It was that obvious?"
The redheaded witch nodded.
"Oh."
"Is it safe to come out now?" Xander asked.
"He knew?" Buffy asked.
Willow winced. "Yeah? Maybe? A little? Uh . . ."
Buffy sighed. "It's ok. You can all come out now. I'm fine, Riley's gone and Giles is . . . gone."
The last work came out weakly, as the reality of the revelations hit her, and she realised how complicated this all was now.
"Can I have some tea? If you actually made any while you were out there," the Slayer asked.
***
Barnabus' office was just as Giles had left it. The fire in the hearth crackled merrily and he spent some time warming himself in front of it and looking around the room thoughtfully. For some reason the strangely familiar setting relaxed him and he could feel the fears and doubts start to . . . well, not go away, but become less frightening. Maybe there was a way around all this. Obviously, despite what Buffy felt, he could not be anything more in her life than he already was, but maybe he could at least look over her. Make sure nothing happened to her, or maybe watch her back as he had in the old days.
He sighed. Who was he fooling? He could not tell her that he had heard her talk with Riley, and he could not suggest leaving without doing so. He had given his word.
"Don't you folks ever let a guy get any rest?" Barnabus said from behind him. "Jeez - ya can't resist creating problems for yerself."
"But-"
The short man held up a hand. "Ht, ht! No arguments. She's let the cat out of the bag and ya have ta decide what yer gonna do about it. I told ya this wouldn't be an easy assignment and once yer assigned I can't change that. So do me a favour and start thinking with yer head, not yer . . . heart."
The look Barnabus gave him left Giles in no doubt what he really wanted to say.
"I'm not sure what I want to do," the former Watcher admitted.
Barnabus considered a moment and then sighed. "At least yer being honest. It's a start. Well, there are two options."
"Yes?" Giles prompted when the tubby man hesitated.
"First is the obvious one; ya don't mention it. Ya never refer to it, and ya never, ever tell her ya love her. She'll carry on with her life and eventually she'll find someone who, maybe she won't love as much as you, but who she does love some. She'd never be as happy with him as she would with you, but she'd have a future."
"And option two?"
"Ya tell her ya love her and make her admit she feels the same. The two of ya can never 'consummate' that love but that won't matter because you'll be together. Hell, she'll never be able to tell her friends about ya, so the relationship will be strained from the start. Eventually yer time there will be up and ya will go to yer reward, or the other place, and have to leave her. Misery, tragic love - a writer would have a field day. And she'll have a broken heart again."
The short man watched as the reality of the situation and the possibilities hit home with the Watcher.
"It's a hard choice; a few minutes of happiness against an eternity of sorrow but ya have to make it now. Before ya go back to her."
"There's really only one choice, isn't there?" Giles said sadly, reflecting on the irony of having to make the same choice as Angel.
"I knew you were a smart one."
He sighed. "Very well. I've made my choice."
"Good. Sorry for ya, mate, but that's the way things go."
***
As Buffy closed the door behind Willow and Xander looked around the apartment, realising for the first time just how empty it was when she was the only one there. Without being certain how, she knew Giles was not here. The apartment felt too empty and silent and it reflected the hollow she could now acknowledge in her own heart. She turned on the radio as she went through to the kitchen so that there was a reminder that she was not completely alone; it just felt like it. Pulling open the fridge she stood there for a minute, debating internally, and settled on trying to cook a stir-fry. The mindless task of chopping vegetables would free her mind to think.
She needed to think. The conversations with Riley and then Willow had opened up feelings that she had to sort through while she was alone. Trying to sort through them when Giles was there would just be an exercise in futility.
I love him, she admitted to herself. Now what? I've gone from 'I can't believe he's dead' to 'I love him' in a few days. Is this a reaction to his dead?
She savagely chopped a carrot. It could be a reaction, but it doesn't feel like it. It feels more like it's something I've always known. As though I've been hiding from it until now and suddenly it's hitting me in the face. So, if it's not something new what do I do?
An onion joined the carrot in its fate. There isn't really any choice, is there? I can't say anything - if he doesn't feel the same way I'll have messed up our friendship completely. And there's the whole dead thing. We could never have a relationship even if he felt the same way. I guess . . . I guess that means there's only one choice. I can never tell him how I feel. It would hurt both of us too much. Damn.
Tears began streaming down her cheeks but she told herself, firmly, that they were from the onion.
***
Giles reappeared in his bedroom and immediately smelt cooking - lots of cooking of various descriptions and just the faintest whiff of smoke. In spite of his decision, he could not help a small thrill of happiness passing through him at the thought of finding Buffy downstairs. He gave himself a stern mental lecture about inappropriate thoughts and unsuitable feelings before descending the stairs at a jog.
The kitchen was filled with steam and he could hear the hiss of something frying in a pan on the stove. As the air cleared a little he made out the beautiful blonde Slayer who had created the confusion and his heart did an involuntary leap. She was humming lightly and stirring something in the pan, at the same time as she sampled a spoonful from another pot. On the counter sat two trays of cooling cookies and there was a suspiciously blackened tin sitting in the sink. All in all, it was chaos.
Giles cleared his throat loudly and Buffy whirled to face him. A brilliant smile lit her face before being quickly masked and he found a protest half way to his mouth before he thought about it.
"I keep forgetting you can sneak up on me," she noted, turning back to the stove.
"I'll try to remember to announce my presence better," Giles responded, as he knew she expected him to. "What are you doing?"
"Well, I was making supper but it got a bit out of hand."
"Ah. Are you hungry?"
Buffy looked around at the cookies, steaming pots and frying food. "I'll have to be, won't I?"
"Are you all right?"
"Yeah, of course I am. Why wouldn't I be? There's nothing going on here . . . nothing that you'd be interested in. Absolutely nothing."
Giles watched in bemusement as she tipped several spoons of chilli powder into one of the boiling pans. "Of course. Did you have a nice visit with your friends?"
He tried to feign the correct amount of casual interest as he spoke; he did not want her to know that he had overheard her conversation with Riley but her response would tell him how handle the situation.
"Yeah, it was nice. You know the Gang - always trying to be nice." Buffy paused. "Riley broke up with me, but other than that it was nice."
"Riley broke up with you?" Giles repeated trying to sound surprised. "Are you all right?"
"I am now. He said something about not fitting in with the Slayer life so he left me."
Although he knew it was a lie, Giles felt a pang of sorrow for her; she had broken up with someone who loved her even though she could not be with the person she did love.
"How about you?" she asked, turning to face him. "Where did you disappear to?"
"I-I-I had to visit Barnabus. He wanted to go over some things with me."
"Ah." Buffy could hear the lie in his voice but decided not to pursue it. "Wanna sit with me while I eat?"
"I'd be delighted."
Spooning food out of several pots, and unconsciously avoiding the over-seasoned one, she sat down at the table with her full plate. As Giles sat down opposite her, he could see the effort she was taking to talk normally. That told him more clearly than words could have that she was not going to mention her talk with Riley or the feelings she had admitted. Despite the pain shooting through him, he managed to keep up his end of the conversation and to anyone who did not know them it would have seemed to be a perfectly normal conversation, apart from the odd mention of demons or magic. To anyone who did know them, though, there were odd pauses and long looks that were almost worse than silences.
The awkward meal finished eventually and Buffy pleaded homework as an excuse to make an early exit to the bedroom. Giles saw through it immediately but said nothing. What was there to say?
***
Being catatonic for several weeks, Buffy concluded part way through her third lecture of the day, really sucks.
She had barely been paying any attention to her classes since Giles' death and she now realised that she knew none of the things she should have been learning. And exams start next week. How am I going to get through this?
There were two possible answers; Willow was one of the best study partners around or she could ask Giles to tutor her. Emotionally, it would probably be best not to ask Giles but the extra help he could give her could mean the difference between scraping through or failing dismally.
As soon as the lecture ended Buffy rushed to catch up with Willow. "Will, I need some help."
"What's up Buffy?" Willow asked.
"It's the exams. I haven't really been paying that much attention in class the past few weeks and now we've got exams in a few weeks so...be my study buddy?"
Willow looked uncertain for a moment. "I already promised to help out Tara...but that doesn't mean I can't help you too. Meet me in our room after your last class and we'll find out where you are."
The redheaded witch rushed off before Buffy could reply so the Slayer shrugged and continued to her next class. Guess I've got some help now.
***
It was very late by the time Buffy got back to the apartment and her brain felt ready to burst from excess knowledge. Giles was pacing in the lounge and as soon as he saw her he let out a deep breath and walked over.
"Buffy, are you all right?" he asked, concerned.
"Couldn't be better," she replied cheerfully, his obvious worry lightening her heart despite her best intentions. "Will's helping me revise for the exams. I feel all knowledgey now."
"Well, that's good."
"I would have called but I wasn't sure if you would have answered the telephone."
Giles immediately stopped mentally berating her for letting him worry when he realised that he probably would not have answered the telephone. "Well, that's quite all right. I'm just glad that you're safe."
He watched her dump her books and bags on his desk and followed her into the kitchen. "How did your studying go?"
She pulled open the fridge as she answered. "Ok. I'm never going to do brilliantly but I need to pass." She paused. "Could you, maybe, help me too? You know a lot so I thought you might be able to, sort of, coach me?"
A tiny ball of pride began to swell in Giles' heart before he firmly squelched it. "I'd be delighted."
"Thank you." Buffy stepped away from the fridge with a tub of leftovers from the previous night's meal. "Guess it's a good thing I only have to reheat this tonight. Studying is more tiring than it looks."
***
In the weeks that followed Buffy and Giles barely had time to think, let alone brood. What Buffy now referred to as her 'month of the mope' had resulted in her barely paying attention in any of her classes and there was now a lot of work that she had to catch up on to have a chance of passing the year. She spent as much time as she could at Willow's being tutored with Tara and then returned to the apartment for further work with Giles. In the odd moment she had to spare she patrolled but those forays were sketchy at best. Finally, the day of the first exam arrived and she was up early doing a last minute read-through of her notes.
Giles stood in the kitchen watching as she read, a slice of toast paused halfway to her mouth, and reflected on how much she had changed. Gone was the carefree teenager of the past; Buffy had been forced to grow up faster than he would have liked and she now had an almost overly serious attitude to everything. As he watched, she turned a page in her notes and took another bite of toast. A year ago, this was something he never thought her would see and far from feeling relieved that she had settled down he missed her exuberance. It had cheered him up to see her cheerful face each day and decoding her teenage speech had been a part of their relationship. Now that had all changed and he was reluctantly aware that part of the blame for that change could be laid squarely on his shoulders.
She took another slow bite and checked her watch, letting out a surprised squeak when she realised what time it was. Picking up her books and notes, and carrying her toast in her mouth, Buffy rushed out of the door. She closed it and then opened it again to pop her head through.
"Bye Giles. I'll see you later. Do you mind if Tara and Will come round tonight for study? No? Great. See ya. Wish me luck!"
She was gone before he could answer so he silently wished her luck and began pacing in the lounge. With all the stress of her exams he had not told her that their midnight visitor had been back several times now and he was not sure how to break the news. The mysterious visitor just seemed to watch them, usually only for a few minutes, and then they were gone. He had chased a couple of times but it was like trying to catch smoke - the visitor did not want to be caught and ran like the wind. Giles knew Buffy would be upset if she found out he had kept something like that from her, but he reasoned that she was stressed enough as it was. No sense in worrying her further, he decided.
***
Buffy took a deep breath before she unlocked the door that evening and reassured herself that this was a good idea. She had been reluctant to bring anyone to the apartment because it felt too private now that Giles was there. But she had decided that morning that if she was going to get over him she had to start letting other people in so this was the first step.
"Dump your stuff somewhere and I'll put on the kettle," she instructed as she walked through the door.
Tara and Willow followed her in and put their bags down on the sofa.
Giles was waiting in the kitchen and Buffy smiled briefly when she saw him.
"How did it go?" he asked.
"Fine," she whispered. "I got the right questions so I might pass this."
"That's good. I'll be upstairs."
"You're not staying?"
He looked at her and Buffy sighed as she realised that it would not be a good plan.
"I'll see you later," she whispered and jumped as Willow spoke behind her.
"Are you all right?" The redhead looked at her curiously. "You're whispering and it's slightly disturbing."
"I was, uh..." Buffy looked to Giles for help but he walked through the counter and left. "I-I was, uh, reciting. Notes. For the exams. Because I'm a good Slayer."
Willow looked doubtful but said nothing more. "Tea?" she asked.
"Tea? Oh, yeah, tea."
Buffy busied herself making tea and carried it through to the lounge where Tara already had the books spread out on the coffee table. For several hours the three girls worked, revised, quizzed each other and generally studied. Every now and again the blonde witch looked around curiously and shivered, but she resolutely did not mention it to Willow. The light had gone and the moon was shining brightly when Buffy eventually closed her book and stretched.
"Sorry to say, guys, but I need to bail. I need some sleep before tomorrow's exam," she said, yawning.
Willow looked to Tara and then back at Buffy. "Yeah, I guess sleep would be a good idea."
"Do you want me to walk you back?"
"No, no. We'll be fine," the redhead assured her.
"Are you sure? Sunnydale isn't exactly an advert for night time safety."
"I'm sure. We're both bad-ass witches now so anything that messes with us..."
"We'll zap them with our fiery spells," Tara finished.
"Ok. You guys take care and I'll see you bright and early tomorrow. Why do universities have to schedule exams when any decent humans should be asleep?"
"Decent, non-Slayer humans who get to bed before midnight, you mean?" Willow asked.
"Well, yeah." Buffy grinned. "Good night."
She showed them to the door and the two witches went out into the courtyard. As soon as the door close Tara turned to Willow.
"Did you...feel something in there?" she asked, shivering.
"Feel something?"
"As though you were being watched, only no one was there."
Willow thought for a moment. "No, not really. It was a little cold in there, and I think Buffy really needs to invest in draft excluders, but that was all."
"Oh."
"Why? Did you feel something?"
Tara hesitated.
"You did! Is there something evil in there that I can't feel?" Willow asked, concerned. "I mean, Buffy's been behaving weirdly ever since Giles died and...oh, he died in there! You don't think there was something evil in there that killed Giles and now it's going after Buffy? We have to warn her-"
"No, it's nothing like that," Tara quickly assured her. "It just...I felt like there was something watching me. Not an evil thing, just something."
"Should we tell Buffy?"
"No. It's probably just me being crazy or something."
Willow and Tara looked at each other doubtfully.
"Maybe we should do some research," Willow suggested.
"When the exams are over," Tara added.
"Yeah."
There was a pause and then Willow asked, "Are you in the mood for ice-cream?"
"Ok."
***
Long after Buffy went to bed, Giles paced in the living room. He had seen the looks Tara was casting in his direction and remembered the warning Barnabus had given him about 'sensitive' people seeing him. Somehow, Tara had sensed his presence. It was not the first time she had shown unusual intuition but he had no doubt that she would talk it over with Willow. For all their sakes, it would be best if he left Buffy and never returned, but at this point in her exams his disappearance could ruin her chances of passing the year. And the last thing he ever wanted to do was wreck her college years more than he already had.
So he would have to make sure that the next time Tara was around the apartment, he was not. It would just require some planning.
Slowly, he became aware of someone watching him. Or, to be more precise, someone watching the room - their midnight visitor was back. Giles turned his head but could only make out a shadow in the window. As had become his habit, he walked across the room and forced himself to walk through the door. By the time he was through, the midnight visitor was gone.
***
Buffy let out a sigh of relief as she walked out of the lecture theatre after her final exam. It had been tough, and she could not remember ever studying so hard, but she had a good feeling that she had passed. She heard a voice call her name and hung back to wait for Willow and Tara.
"So, Buff, how'd it go?" Willow asked, her face flushed.
"I think it went ok," Buffy replied, grinning. "Thanks."
"Cool. We're gonna pass! Wanna go get sugared up on mochas?"
Buffy looked at her two friends and allowed herself to slowly relax. "Sure."
***
It was much later when she got back to Giles' apartment and she felt a thrill of happiness rush through her when she saw her former Watcher pacing in the living room. As soon as she walked in he turned to her with an expectant look.
"It went fine," she reassured him as she dropped her bag next to the couch. "No problems. That question on Kaiser Bill's personality came up so I guess I have you to thank for that. Thank you."
Giles flushed slightly. "It was nothing."
"Nothing? You sat up until the early hours helping me to study for over a month! You put up with my weird moods without trying to kill me and I said some horrid things to you when I got stuck. So you deserve a lot of thanks."
He smiled at her. "It was a pleasure to teach you. I felt useful."
"You're always useful to me...that didn't come out right," Buffy finished, blushing. To cover her confusion she went into the kitchen and began poking around in the cupboards, looking for something to eat. "So, would you like to watch a movie tonight?"
"M-movie?"
"Yeah. You know, pictures that move and tell a story."
"Ha ha."
"So, do you want to?"
Giles followed her into the kitchen and watched Buffy as she began pulling food out of the cupboard. "What about your friends? Don't you want to celebrate with them?"
"I had mochas with Tara and Willow this afternoon. Besides, you're my friend too and I want to do something fun with you. Funner than study anyway. Please?"
Buffy turned her best pleading look on him and he melted into her blue eyes. "Very well. I'm afraid I don't have many videos though."
"Blockbuster does though. We can go when I've eaten."
"I don't know..."
"I do. We're going." She smiled up at him. "We'll have fun. We need some fun."
***
Blockbusters on a Friday night was a busy place. It was filled with young couples looking at the romantic comedies, kids looking at the Disney films, older kids finding the goriest movie on current release and everything in between. Buffy looked around and tried to decide where to start.
"What do you want to see?" she whispered.
Giles stood beside her, trying to avoid being walked through because he still found that disconcerting, and shook his head. "I have no idea."
"Ok." Buffy thought for a moment and moved over to the aisle that held some of the older films rather than heading for the new releases. Giles followed her, accidentally walking through someone, but not noticing the strange look the woman had as she walked through the strangely chilly spot.
"Right, we've got lots of choice," Buffy whispered, trying to keep mouth movements to a minimum. "I haven't been to the cinema in ages so there must be something here we both like."
She began moving along the shelves, touching films she thought they might like and moving on when she heard Giles' faintly whispered 'no'. It was a slow process and she was aware of receiving more than one odd look as she apparently whispered to thin air but they finally narrow down to two movies. Buffy went to the desk to pay and Giles waited outside for her. Together they walked back to the apartment, hardly speaking but enjoying the rare chance to just be together.
Buffy held the door open for him and she shivered slightly as he accidentally brushed against her. For some reason, instead of the usual cold wall she felt when they touched, she thought she could feel warmth against her arm where he had touched her. It was only for a few moments and then he was gone so she put it down to an over active imagination.
Giles settled himself on the sofa as Buffy turned on a couple of dim lamps and set up the video.
"Don't you want more lights?" he asked as she curled up on the other end of the sofa.
"Nah, this is fine. Movies should always be watched with minimum lighting."
He smiled and turned his attention to the film. After a moment Buffy wriggled, and then she shifted again.
"Are you all right?" he asked.
"Yes," Buffy replied, then grimaced. "No. My shoulder aches. I don't think I'm meant to write for three hours straight."
"Yes, well, if you're not used to it, it can be uncomfortable." Giles hesitated.
"What?"
"I was just thinking...maybe...if I...no."
"Ok, that made no sense. Wanna try again?"
Giles flushed.
"How do you do that?" she asked. "You're a ghost, but you can still blush. And stutter."
"I-I, well, I assume it's...Barnabus said that I only appear the way my mind thinks of myself."
"So, if you thought of yourself as a tall, muscular cutie you'd appear as one?"
He blushed even more. "W-well, yes, I suppose I would."
"Hmm. But you stay looking like the Giles I - we know and love so that's the way you think of yourself."
"I suppose so."
Buffy thought for a moment. "Good."
Giles raised and eyebrow. "Good?"
"Yeah. I like you just the way you are."
She was aware that she was in danger of crossing the unconscious barriers she had set up but somehow it did not seem to matter tonight. It was as though all the mental lectures she had given herself over the weeks were no longer important. She had to let him know how much she valued him and how she would miss him when he eventually left.
"Th-thank you."
"No thanks necessary." She paused. "I would never want you to change - I love you just the way you are."
*finis*