"How are you feeling Buffy?" Willow asked.
"Surprisingly not much different to how I felt five minutes ago," Buffy told her friend.
In the days since she had found out she was pregnant everyone had been very kind, very solicitous and most of all, very annoying. She could not lift more than a scrap of paper without someone offering to help her. Patrolling had been firmly vetoed, and the expression in Giles' eyes when he told her that made it clear he was not going to be persuaded otherwise. There seemed to be someone checking on her health every ten minutes and Buffy was feeling stifled. Today was Saturday, and usually Buffy enjoyed sleeping in. But she was feeling restless and full of energy and Giles had told her to stay in bed for the morning, which only made her feel more restless. If he had stayed with her she would not have minded - there were plenty of fun things to do on a Saturday morning in bed with her husband. But he was downstairs cleaning, leaving Willow to check on her regularly. Buffy was ready to scream. It was her first sickness-free morning for a week, and Giles seemed to think she would break if he touched her!
"Will, sit. Talk to me," Buffy demanded.
"You're meant to be sleeping," Willow protested.
"I've slept so much this week I'm about to bounce off the walls!"
"But-but . . . you need your rest."
"I'm not dying. I don't have a deadly disease. I'm just a tiny bit pregnant."
Willow grinned at her. "You're going to get a lot more pregnant."
"Don't remind me. At the moment it's nice. I know I'm pregnant, I feel pregnant sometimes but I can still wear most of my clothes. In a few months I'm gonna look like a whale."
"I hope you've learnt your lesson about safe sex," Willow told her mock severely.
"I'm going to be lucky if I get any sex ever again," Buffy said glumly.
"Huh?"
The Slayer gave an exasperated sigh. "Rupert is scared to even hold my hand in case he hurts the baby. You'd think that being knowledge guy he'd be rational about this but he's not."
"This is the first time you've been pregnant. He's just a bit spooked. He'll calm down."
"And that thought is meant to comfort me for the next seven months?" Buffy sighed again. "I never thought I'd be like this. With Angel there was no problem. I knew we couldn't, uh, you know," Buffy blushed, "but with Rupert . . ."
Buffy trailed off dreamily and Willow put her hands over her ears. "I don't want to know the details."
"Relax Will. There are certain things a wife can't tell her friends."
"Phew." Willow uncovered her ears. "If it's that bad just tell him how you feel. You know it makes sense."
"I know. I'm just being an irrational, nympho female. Pregnancy does that to me."
"Have you thought of any names yet?" Willow asked excitedly.
"I've known about the baby for five days. It's a bit early to be thinking about names."
"Oh, yeah," the witch grinned. "I keep forgetting that."
"Has Rupert mentioned anything about his research?" Buffy asked, too casually.
Willow winced.
"He has, hasn't he? He's keeping me so sheltered I might as well not have a mind. I'm the one in danger and-"
"Why don't you talk to him about it, please? I don't like getting caught in the middle."
The Slayer took a couple of calming breaths. "You're right. I have to talk to him."
"Good." Willow said, relieved.
"Now, when are we de-ratting Amy?"
Willow winced again. "D-de-ratting A-Amy? We? Oh no. Uh-uh. Giles would kill me if I let you-"
"Please," Buffy pleaded. "I mean, what am I actually going to have to do? Hold a candle, maybe scatter a few herbs . . . nothing dangerous, right?"
"Well . . ."
"We could do it this afternoon," Buffy pressed.
"I don't . . ."
"You don't want Amy to stay ratty longer than she has to."
"I'll ask Giles-"
"Yay!"
***
Persuading Giles and Xander proved to be the hardest part of the entire spell. They both had to talk very fast, and make a lot of promises about Buffy's safety, before the men would even consider it. Even Anya helped them, in her own way, and finally Buffy produced her trump card by reminding Giles that if Amy had not helped them the she could still be a rat as well.
"Just be careful," he pleaded.
"I'll be fine," she reassured him, kissing his mouth quickly.
"Willow if anything should happen . . ."
The witch took careful note of the warning glare Giles gave her. "Nothing bad will happen."
"I'll be there all the time and if anything seems even the slightest bit dangerous for the baby I'm taking you out."
Buffy took a step back, crossed her arms and glared at him. "You and Xander are not going to be in the room."
"But-"
"No buts. You aren't going to be ogling any naked females apart from me."
"Naked?" Xander croaked.
Anya immediately elbowed him the chest.
"P-p-perhaps I-I was a l-l-little hasty. I-I'll wait outside," Giles stuttered, blushing violently.
***
"So mote it be," Willow finished the chant.
She crossed her fingers and settled to wait, smiling faintly as she saw Buffy do the same. All that the blonde Slayer had actually needed to do was wave some burning herbs over Amy, which was definitely not dangerous. Willow hoped she could be somewhere a long way away when Buffy and Giles finally had their talk. It promised to be a loud one.
After a couple of minutes Willow's face fell. "I guess this was another dud-"
A sudden, brilliant flash of white light cut her off. When their eyes cleared they sat in stunned amazement for a moment.
"Amy, you're-"
"Human!" Willow cut Buffy off.
"What happened?" Amy asked dazedly.
"You turned yourself into a rat so you wouldn't be burnt at the stake and then I couldn't work out how to turn you back so you've been a rat for the past year and now we've turned you back and you're human again and you're sitting in my bedroom and I'll get you some clothes."
Willow ran out of breath at that point and sat gasping, waiting see what Amy would say.
"I-I was a rat?" Amy managed after a moment.
"Complete with tail," Buffy confirmed.
"Wow." Amy paused. "Everything's really fuzzy at the moment."
"You won't remember much," Buffy told her. "All I could remember was wanting cheese."
Willow handed Amy a robe and the former rat smiled her thanks as she put it on. "How much have I missed?"
The Slayer and the red head exchanged a glance.
***
Several hours later everyone was gathered in the lounge waiting for Amy's reaction to their account of the past year. Willow sat on the couch next to her, while Xander and Anya shared one of the large armchairs and Giles sat in his chair with Buffy perched on the arm next to him.
"Wow. I really missed a lot," Amy commented eventually, looking around her with wide eyes.
This whole situation was weird beyond belief. One moment she was at school being persecuted for being a witch, the next she found herself in a strange room with a huge blank spot where there should be a year of life. And apparently that year had been spent playing in a Habitrail. Even more bizarrely Buffy was apparently married to and pregnant by Mr Giles, who was no longer a librarian because he helped to blow the library up along with the rest of the school, the Anya girl was a former vengeance demon who was in love with Xander of all people and Cordelia was broke. Life really could be stranger than Jerry Springer. The whole Ascension, school-exploding thing was actually the least strange of it all, which was just a little frightening. She was not sure whether she wanted to laugh or faint.
Buffy shifted uncomfortably on her perch and Giles immediately fussed around her until she was seated in an armchair with a stool under her feet. Amy wondered at the annoyed expression on the girl's face as her well-meaning husband made sure she was comfortable and then sat back in his chair. Something was nagging at the witch's memory but try as she might she could not remember it, although she could not shake the feeling that it was incredibly important.
"I don't know about anyone else but I'm hungry," Xander announced.
Amy had to grin at that. No matter what was happening Xander could never forget his stomach.
"I haven't got anything planned," Willow said. "I know it was my turn and all but . . . I got kind of side tracked."
"We could order pizza," Xander said hopefully.
Buffy's face lit up. "Pizza? Cool. I've been craving it all day."
"I though pregnant women always got cravings for gherkins and ice cream," Anya commented.
"Only really sadistic ones," the Slayer responded. "I intend to only crave yummy food."
Giles' expression was stern. "Buffy, love, pizza is hardly a nutritious meal for the baby."
It was the final straw. "According to you nothing I like is good for the baby! You've made me rest so much I'm bouncing off the walls. I don't want to eat rabbit food or give up training. Everything I want to do now is too dangerous. Well listen up, because I want pizza and I want sex and if you don't give them to me I'll . . . I'll . . . I'll . . . get them myself!"
"I fancy collecting the pizza," Xander said rising quickly. "Anyone want to help me?"
Willow quickly stood up, pulling Amy with her. "We will."
Anya did not move, instead watching Buffy and Giles with rapt attention. "No, this looks much more interesting."
"Anya," Xander warned. "We really aren't needed here."
Anya scowled at him.
"Y-yes, please go away," Giles managed, his face still red with embarrassment.
"Oh, if I have to," Anya said without grace.
*finis*